The room was filled with the thick, heavy smoke of crack, and also with elderly human men, all wearing trench coats. I was clearly the odd pony out, but no one seemed to take the least bit of notice. Instead, the particularly old man who welcomed me into Jesusland stroked my limp mane affectionately, complementing me on the size of my horn. I was flattered, and complemented him in return on his..er..wrinkles. He seemed flattered.

“We’d heard talk that you had found your way to this place, but weren’t sure if the rumours were true. From the hole in your knee I can see the rumours of revolution were true.” He said, with a mixture of sorrow and glee in his voice. He offered his hand, and I offered my hoof; “Gordon Brown.” He said, and when I started to introduce myself he shushed me, reassuring me that he knew perfectly well who I was. It was the first time I had felt honoured since Twishite Sparkle had done me over.

“Listen, Princess, I’ll get straight to the point.”                                           

“Please, do.” I said, interested.                                                                    

“We will help you to exact vengeance on those who have wronged you, that is, after all why people join the Jesusland cause, I for one jizz in my pants every time I think about ripping open the chest of that little prick who kicked me in the head and made me blind and decrepit in the jaw. All we need in return is your eternal devotion to our saviour Jesus Heist.”

There was no need for hesitation: “Of course, Gordon. But I have bigger plans, plans for this place. Equestria is dead to me, as are all the ponies in it. No, it is this queer place that has so much potential..it is so..anarchic-it’s crying out for an assertive pony to seize control. If you will help me with this…” By now I noticed I had attracted the attention of everyone in the room, “…then I will use my power to resurrect Jesus Heist.” 

That certainly attracted their attention. Another man walked hastily towards me, well, as hastily as he could on his Zimmer frame, and introduced himself as Ron Paul. “If you can do that, we will do whatever you want, my little pony.” I smiled, this was going to be fun.

-Bells

There was no doubt about it. The ponies in this joint were crazy. I mean seriously out-of-their-fuckin’-minds-get-me-a-fuckin’-four-legged-straight-jacket crazy. And Princess Celestia? That bitch was crazier than all of them. Last time I’d seen her, she’d been muttering about revenge and seeking salvation or some shit.

After living in a convent for a couple months, I’d decided I wasn’t cut out for being salvaged, so packed my bags and headed out. This whole place was pretty crazy. There were trolls everywhere, just pissin’ all over whatever it was you happened to be doing. Dicks. That being said, I’d take the trolls any day over the sanctimonious, self-righteous arse-holes that the trolls delighted in tormenting. You know the type. Fourteen year-olds who pretend to be all deep and meaningful, misquoting Isaac Newton and shit like that. All they’re looking for is an excuse to wear the eyeliner they stole, along with that cute nail-file.

All in all, it was a pretty hectic place to be. There was always someone insisting that they had the answer to your problem, whatever your problem was. Erectile dysfunction, obesity, depression. Whatever it was, there was a cure, a quick fix. This culture was mad. And the worse part? No-one seemed to sleep here. Quite literally, I don’t know if these guys worked in teams or shifts or what. But there never seem to be any release.

And after living like this for another couple months I decided enough was enough. The time for legal living had finished, and it was time to go underground.

-Ash.

I used to be the greatest pony in all of Equestria. People listened to me, I maintained order, shit got done. I ruled the land with a steady hand, I was the greatest princess to ever live. I used to be known as Princess Celestia, and then I took an arrow to the knee. 

It all started with that dildo coloured bitch Twilight Sparkle and her irritating friends, they brought Luna, my shitty brat of a sister back to normality, and it was only a matter of time before she led the revolution that exiled me from Equestria..and into this obscure place. I roamed the streets of Memedonia alone for the first few months, my mane a damp squib of matted hair, never again to be the flowing bouffant of colour it once was. 

Until one fateful day I discovered something that would change my life forever, something that surely had the potential to put me back on the path to greatness; as I wondered through the binary rain I looked up to see a glowing neon sign just like millions of others in the land of Memedonia, but this one was so striking it would have been impossible to miss. ‘JESUSLAND’.

As I galloped excitedly over to the sign a wrinkled hand shot out of the entrance to the building and pulled me inside-and thus began my story…

-Bells